“My baby won’t sleep!” What’s normal in infant sleep (and how you can cope with lack of sleep)

As new parents, one of the biggest challenges faced is often sleep - or the sudden, shocking lack of it. Although it’s often talked about, not much can really prepare you for having a newborn and the disrupted sleep that goes alongside becoming a parent. ​

It can be difficult adjusting and accepting that this is just how it is right now and to realise that things with a newborn evolve all the time.  This period of little sleep won’t last forever!
 
Often parents worry that there is something wrong with their baby because they are not sleeping for long periods of time, or that they are alone in having a baby that doesn’t self-settle or sleep through the night. All too often, parents who cuddle or feed or rock their baby to sleep are told they are making a “rod for their own back” and that their child will never be able to sleep without them, let alone move from home one day. It’s a general belief that as a parent, you mustn’t make yourself too important in your baby’s life, as this will mean a ‘clingy’ child and ‘less confident adult’. (I have more to say about safe attachment but will leave that for another blog post.)
 
The popular media portrayals of what is normal baby behaviour has much to answer for, as does the multi-million pound “baby-sleep” industry filled with gadgets and sleep training experts who profit from having tired parents believing there is something wrong with their baby which can be fixed - at a cost, of course. 
 
So, what is normal newborn sleep behaviour? What can you expect?
 
Babies have very different sleep patterns to you or I. Newborns do not develop a circadian rhythm (body clock) until they are around three or four months old, which means lots of frequent night waking. Their sleep cycles are also much shorter, averaging around 25 minutes (an adult is around 45 minutes), meaning many more opportunities for waking up. In short, babies wake regularly throughout the night and this is perfectly normal.  In fact, from an evolutionary perspective, having a baby who sleeps “badly” is in fact a good thing, suggesting they are more alert to dangers!

I find this infographic by Sarah Ockwell-Smith a helpful and concise summary of what is biologically normal for children at different ages:

(I recommend checking out her blog if you want to read more about normal infant and toddler sleep - this article is a great place to start).
 
A note on self-soothing: You may well hear people talking about training babies to “self-soothe”, but this is unfortunately a myth. Babies do not have the capacity for emotional self-regulation, meaning that self-soothing is biologically impossible - babies depend on their caregivers for everything, and soothing to sleep is just one area where babies are reliant on us. You cannot spoil a baby by cuddling them or picking them up too much!
 
Just knowing that it’s normal for babies to wake a lot can be reassuring, but it’s not going to make you feel any less tired. Here are some things you may like to try, to help you cope with sleep deprivation:

• It is a cliché, but do try to nap, or at least rest when your baby naps. Chores can wait and getting as much rest as you can should be your priority. After all, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
• Rethink your expectations. Social media has a lot to answer for here. Those photos of a perfectly coiffed and made up mother, back in her size 10 jeans, lovingly gazing down at her sleeping new-born in her clean and tidy home? This is not real life (or not for everyone at least - if that is you, good for you!) As mothers, we hold ourselves to a very high standard, which is not always helpful. If you are exhausted, cut yourself some slack. You are doing the most important job of all, which is keeping your sweet baby alive and cared for.
• Consider safe co-sleeping. Often parents who co-sleep find that everyone gets more sleep; babies settle faster and it’s easier to fall back asleep after feeding baby if you haven’t left your own bed.
• Spend time outside. It can feel counter-intuitive when all you want to do is crawl under the duvet, but I’ve never met a mother who hasn’t felt better, less exhausted, and more able to cope once she’s left the house, even if it’s just for a walk to the park or to go and get a coffee in a cafe. Even better if you’re able to meet a friend for a bit of adult conversation - there are lots of online groups and apps now to meet other mums in your local area. Rain or shine, leaving the house can make an enormous difference.
• Ask family and friends to help. When you are deeply tired, having someone come round who can cuddle the baby whilst you take a long bath, or try to nap, can work wonders.
• Consider buying in some help. Hiring a postnatal doula, employing a cleaner, signing up to a meal delivery service, or finding a babysitter or mother’s help to play with older children - all of these things can lighten the load, giving you more time to rest and snuggle with your new baby.

 
It can be absolutely exhausting to adapt to life with a newborn but bear in mind, this time that your child is so tiny is only now, and won’t come back again. Believe it or not, you will look back on these days and wonder where the time went.  Make the most of these precious days as your baby is only newborn for a short time! ​