Dads: How to be the Best Birth Partner

​We live in a society that does not really expect men to be good at “all that birth stuff”. Although men are no longer expected to lurk around the waiting room smoking a cigar, (for a start the NHS is now strictly smoke-free) there is an expectation that men are likely to be, well, a little bit useless when it comes to supporting their partner during labour and birth. It is a fact that the vast majority of birth books, blogs, articles, and classes are aimed at mums-to-be rather than their birth partners, and men are generally assumed to not be interested in the process of pregnancy and childbirth, a view which our media and culture do nothing to counter.
 
What happens it that we then end up with a vicious circle where men are not seen as being interested in birth, so the resources are not always aimed at them.  This can result in them going into the birth unprepared, perhaps unable to support their partner as fully as they might otherwise have done, which then feeds into the idea that men generally make bad birth partners.
 
This notion is not only outdated, but it is harmful to both men and the women they support alike. We know that having continuous loving support during labour is one of the best ways to ensure a positive birth experience and dads are very well-placed to provide such support. More than that, many fathers wish to be more actively involved, but aren’t sure where to start or what to do.
 
Below, I share some practical ways in which dads can support their partners during pregnancy, labour and once your baby is born. However, my most important suggestion is this: get informed. I’m going to say it plainly. The more you learn about labour, birth and the postnatal period, the better your role as a birth partner will be and the more likely you both are to actually enjoy the experience. There is no rule out there saying it has to be the woman who does the research into birth and parenting. Doing your own reading, going to ante-natal classes and midwife appointments with your partner (as a willing participant, not under duress!) and being able to contribute to discussions about birth and parenting are likely to make you both feel equally involved and invested in your baby, and may strengthen your relationship.
 
Men I meet often speak with regret about their role during their child’s birth. “I wish I had been able to speak up for my wife.” “I wish I had bothered to do more research so when we needed to make choices, we had made different ones.” “I feel as though I didn’t support my girlfriend when she needed me most.” “If I only knew then what I know now…”.
 
Here are some suggestions for ways in which you can support your partner - and your new baby - through pregnancy, labour, and beyond.
 
Pregnancy

• Now is the time to get informed! Books, blogs, videos (there are a range of positive births freely available to watch on YouTube), classes - whatever way you prefer to take in information. I really recommend The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin, and of course I am a big fan of my own book, The Secrets of Birth.
• Be involved in packing the hospital bag. It’s a good idea to be the one who packs everything so that you know where everything is, as you’re likely to be the one who is taking things out. This avoids you having to ask where things are!
• Store useful numbers on your phone. Taxi services in case you need to take a cab to the birth centre, your doula (if you are hiring one), the birth team at the hospital in case you need to speak to them, and a local lactation consultant (IBCLC) if planning on breastfeeding (it’s always good to have a number to call in case there are any unexpected issues).
• If your partner is practising hypnobirthing, put time aside a few times a week to practice with her and read through the relaxation scripts.

 
Labour

• Kiss, cuddle, and touch your partner. Learn a few simple massage techniques before the birth, as many women really appreciate this to increase their comfort. Loving touch helps to release oxytocin, the hormone which is vital for birth. She may not want to be touched however, and if that is the case then respect that - it is not a rejection of you.
• Set the mood in the birthing space - whether at home or in hospital - so it remains calm and quiet. Now is not the time for jokes or conversations. Aim to make the birthing space feel relaxed and safe so that she can focus on the work of labour without distraction, acting as a conduit between her and your midwives or doctors.
• If birthing at home, learn how to set up and maintain the birth pool and then ensure it is topped up with warm water, keeping the temperature at the right level.
• Help her keep calm. Model deep, slow breathing, and remind her to focus on her breath if she seems to lose her rhythm. Reassure her that you are there, you love her and you believe in her.
• Acknowledge her feelings.  When she’s going through a difficult phase, tell her: “I can see it is really tough for you right now but you’re doing so incredibly well!”  
• Advocate for her. Be aware of her birth preferences, and work with the birth professionals you meet to ensure that where possible these are adhered to. Know your options so that if the birth takes an unexpected turn, you are able to make informed decisions. Familiarise yourself with the BRAIN acronym.
• Keep offering her drinks and snacks. Labour is physically exhausting, and your partner will need to keep her energy up. It works best to say to her for example, “Here’s some banana” rather than asking her if she wants something.  She will often say no, but it is so important to snack throughout labour.

 
Once your baby is in your arms

• Many dads are so excited to show off their new baby - understandably. But the days and weeks following birth are en emotional and exhausting time, as your partner establishes breastfeeding, deals with huge hormonal changes, and starts on the road to physical recovery, and it can be a good idea to keep visitors to a minimum.
• Keep your partner nourished and hydrated. Healthy, simple food and lots of it! Ensure she has snacks and water next to the bed where she can easily reach them (and then make sure you take away empty plates and cups so that her “nest” is lovely and relaxing).
• Continue to get informed. As parents will tell you, birth is just the beginning! Learn about newborn sleep patterns, read up on the fourth trimester and baby calming techniques, make sure you know about SIDS risks, and get clued up on developmental milestones.
• Bond with your lovely new baby! I have heard dads say that they are worried that breastfeeding will mean they miss out on bonding. Don’t worry! Change nappies, bathe with your baby, wear them in a sling (babies love the closeness and movement), sing to them, read to them, hold them as they sleep, burp them, rock them - there are endless ways to care for and love your new baby.​​

Happy Father's Day to all dads and soon to be dads!