The Doula Detective: Asking the Right Questions

If you’ve been on one of my BirthBliss Academy doula courses, you’ve probably heard me say this before, that being a doula is a bit like being a detective. More specifically, like Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote.

I know it’s a slightly unexpected comparison, but it works.

Jessica didn’t storm into rooms or interrogate people. She asked thoughtful, kind questions. She really listened. She noticed what wasn’t being said as much as what was, and by creating that sense of safety, people opened up to her.

That’s the kind of energy I encourage doulas to bring, whether you're supporting someone through labour or those early postnatal days. Our role isn’t to come in with answers or assumptions. It’s to gently explore, with deep respect, what matters to the person in front of us.

We do this by asking good questions, not for our own sake, but to help us adapt our support. Because when you understand the why behind someone’s preferences or concerns, you can support them in a way that feels thoughtful and truly aligned with their needs.

Let’s take a deeper look at how this plays out in both birth and postnatal doula work.

The Power of a Gentle Question

When a client tells you they want a water birth or a home birth, or that they are going to have an epidural or, in the postnatal period, says they’re determined to breastfeed or want to follow a strict routine, it can be tempting to take those statements at face value.

But behind every preference is something more. A hope. A fear. A past experience. A cultural value. A need for control or safety or healing.

If we’re too quick to respond or reassure, we can miss what’s really going on. If we ask in a way that feels abrupt or overly curious, we risk making someone feel exposed.

Being a “doula detective” is about finding the balance. We stay gently curious, always respectful, and ask questions that help our clients feel seen and supported, never judged or analysed.

Curiosity vs. Being Nosy

There’s a fine line between curiosity and nosiness, and intention is everything.

Curiosity, in the context of doula support, is there to help us offer better care. It’s led by the client’s comfort and needs.

Nosiness, even when well-meaning, tends to satisfy our own interest. And when questions feel intrusive or irrelevant to the support we’re offering, they can create distance rather than connection.

A Clear Example:

You’re supporting a same-sex couple in the postnatal period, and you find yourself wondering how they conceived.

It’s a natural curiosity, but unless they’ve opened the door to that conversation, asking “So how did you get pregnant?” can come across as insensitive and intrusive.

Think about it, you wouldn’t usually ask a heterosexual couple how they conceived, so why ask in this instance?

I remember once being told by a same-sex couple that they had interviewed two doulas. One of them asked them that very question, and it instantly put them off. They didn’t feel seen as people. They felt reduced to their method of conception.

They told me afterwards that was the reason she didn’t get the job, and I did.

It stuck with me, and I’ve shared that story often. Not to criticise, but to gently remind us all: curiosity is fine, but only when it’s rooted in care and relevance. If something doesn’t impact how you support them, it’s okay to let the question go.

A more respectful alternative might be:

“If there’s anything you’d like me to know about your journey to this point, or any language you’d like me to use when referring to you as parents, I’d love to honour that.”

It keeps the power with them, and it tells them clearly — this is a safe space.

Strong Preferences in Birth and Postnatal Plans

It’s common to hear strong statements from clients:

• “I want an epidural.”

• “I definitely want to give birth at home.”

• “We’re not using a dummy.”

• “The baby will be sleeping in our bed from day one.”

Our job isn’t to challenge or question these decisions. But we can gently explore the why behind them so we can support more fully, especially if things change.

For example:

“That sounds like a really clear decision. Would you be open to sharing what’s behind it? I’d love to understand more so I can support you in the way that feels right for you.”

That small invitation gives them space to share their thinking, whether it’s based on a previous experience, a belief system, or something they read. You’re not questioning their choice. You’re building understanding so that if something shifts, you can honour what matters most.

Good Questions for Birth and Postnatal Doula Support

Here are some examples of gentle, open-ended questions that can help you explore your client’s needs and values without pushing:

For Birth Preparation:

• “What would a really good birth experience look like for you?”

• “Are there things that feel especially important for your sense of safety during labour?”

• “Is there anything you’re hoping to avoid, and what would that mean for you if it happened?”

• “How do you usually cope when things feel intense or unpredictable?”

• “What kind of support do you think will be most helpful in the moment?”

For Postnatal Support:

• “How have the first few days been for you, emotionally, physically, or just day-to-day?”

• “What’s been going really well so far?”

• “What’s been tougher than you expected?”

• “How are you feeling about feeding, any concerns or things you’d like to talk through?”

• “What does rest look like for you right now?”

These questions are always invitations and never obligations. And they’re designed to give you insights that make your support more responsive, sensitive, and aligned with your client’s unique experience.

When Someone Doesn’t Want to Talk

It’s equally important to recognise when not to ask.

Some clients will give short answers. Others might avoid certain topics. Sometimes, you’ll sense discomfort in their body language or tone. These are signs to hold back.

In those moments, you might simply say:

“If that’s ever something you want to talk about, I’m here to listen.”

No pressure. Just a gentle holding of the space. People remember that kind of care — the kind that respects their boundaries without closing the door.

Reading Between the Lines

Being a “doula detective” also means picking up on the things that aren’t being said.

Maybe a client makes a joke every time the birth is mentioned. Or a partner seems withdrawn. Maybe there's tension around feeding decisions or a sense of being overwhelmed that's just under the surface.

You don’t have to name everything. But noticing it and offering presence without judgement can go a long way.

You might say:

“You seem a bit unsure when we talk about that. Would it help to explore it a little more, or would you prefer to leave it for now?”

Again, you’re offering choice. That’s what builds trust.

We’re Not Here to Fix - We’re Here to Understand

Sometimes, a question leads to a big story. A past trauma. A complicated family dynamic. A painful memory.

You don’t need to have answers. You don’t need to solve anything. In fact, trying to fix can sometimes be the least helpful thing.

You might simply say:

“Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate you trusting me with it. If there’s anything I can do to support you around it, please let me know.”

That’s enough.

It reminds your client that they’re not alone, that you’re holding their story with care, and that you’ll continue to walk alongside them without trying to take over.

This Skill Grows Over Time

You start learning this during your doula training, but it deepens with every person you support.

Every family you meet teaches you something new about how to ask, how to listen, and how to sit with uncertainty or emotion without rushing in.

The best doulas I know aren’t the ones with the most knowledge or experience. They’re the ones who have learned to sit quietly, listen deeply, and ask the right question at the right moment, not to steer but to understand.

Final Thoughts: Be the Jessica Fletcher of Doula Work

Being a doula isn’t about having the answers. It’s about making someone feel safe enough to find their own.

And that’s where this detective mindset comes in, not to investigate but to observe. Not to uncover secrets but to understand needs. Not to lead but to walk beside someone with your eyes and heart open.

So channel a bit of Jessica Fletcher energy. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Ask with care. And trust that what you notice and how you respond can make a world of difference.

Because that’s the heart of good birth and postnatal doula support: thoughtful presence, respectful curiosity, and unwavering care.

Thinking about becoming a doula? If you’re drawn to this kind of work and want to learn how to support others with real heart and presence, explore our doula courses at The BirthBliss Academy. Our doula training is designed to help you grow into this role with confidence and kindness, whether you’re just starting out or deepening your journey.