We’re Not Boxes: Why Doulas Must See the Person, Not Just the Label

Inclusion matters. But so does connection. And that’s where real doula support begins. Let’s be honest, things feel more divided than ever.

Over the past few years, society has become more focused on identity. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

We’ve started talking more about race, gender, sexuality, disability, neurodiversity, faith, class, the whole lot. These conversations are important. They come from a place of wanting people to feel seen, safe, and respected. And that’s something I believe in deeply.

But with this shift has also come something else. A kind of pressure, to get it right, to say the right thing, to support people perfectly, based on the group they belong to.

And in the doula world, I’ve noticed more and more doulas second-guessing themselves:

“What if I say the wrong thing?”

“Should I do something different because of their background?”

“Do I need special training to support this person?”

All valid questions. All coming from a good place.

But here’s where I want to pause and reflect a bit. Because while it’s brilliant that we’re becoming more aware, there’s also a risk we end up trying to slot people into boxes.

And people are not boxes.

The intention is good, but the outcome can be messy

Let me be really clear before we go any further: Understanding identity is essential. It’s not something to skip over or ignore. Different groups of people have had different experiences of the world, of healthcare, of support, and we need to understand that if we’re serious about inclusion.

So this isn’t an article about brushing all that aside.

But what I want to talk about is what happens when we only look at someone through the lens of their group.

Because the moment we think, “Oh, she’s from X background, so she’ll want this,” or “They’re neurodivergent, so I’ll need to do that,” we’ve already made a leap, one that skips past the individual and lands straight in the zone of assumption.

And that can be just as harmful, even if it comes wrapped in good intentions.

Doulas don’t support groups. We support people.

I’ve been teaching doulas for a long time. And I can tell you, the power of doula support doesn’t come from matching backgrounds.

It doesn’t come from knowing the right terminology or ticking every box.

It comes from presence.

From being there.

From listening.

From holding space with care and curiosity.

The studies back this up too. What makes a difference in birth outcomes is:

• continuous support

• emotional steadiness

• practical help

• someone who believes in the birthing woman

• someone who doesn’t leave

Not shared identity.

Not a perfect script.

Not specialist status.

Inclusion isn’t about guessing, it’s about asking

A truly inclusive approach doesn’t assume. It asks. It says:

• “What would feel supportive to you right now?”

• “Is there anything you’d like me to be aware of?”

• “Would you like to talk about that, or not today?”

That’s it.

No fanfare.

No performance.

Just simple, human curiosity and respect.

When we go in thinking we already know, we risk centring ourselves. When we ask, we make space for the other person. And that’s where the connection happens.

So what is the doula’s role then?

At The BirthBliss Academy, we always go back to basics.

Because basics aren’t boring, to us, they’re foundational.

Doulas are not medical experts.

We’re not therapists.

We’re not advocates who speak for someone, unless they’ve asked us to.

And we’re certainly not here to ‘fix’ people.

Our role is to:

• stay present

• listen deeply

• offer non-judgemental support

• respect the client’s choices

• hold space for whatever comes up

Whether they’re having a home birth or a planned caesarean. Whether they’re 18 or 45. Whether they’ve had a baby before or this is all brand new.

And within that, we adapt. We stay curious. We support the person, not the label.

What about systemic issues? Shouldn’t we keep learning?

Yes. Always.

Learning about oppression, racism, ableism, homophobia, and all forms of bias is vital. We can’t do good work if we don’t understand the wider context.

We live in a society where people are treated differently based on how they look, speak, move, or live. So we absolutely need to look at ourselves and our blind spots.

But learning about systems doesn’t replace listening to the individual. Both are important.

Understanding marginalised experiences helps you show up with more empathy. But it should never stop you from asking: “What does this person need, today, from me?”

So yes, cultural competency and specialist training have their place. They open our eyes to different worldviews. They give us tools. But they are not a substitute for listening.

You won’t get it perfect, and that’s OK

Perfection isn’t the goal. Presence is.

You won’t always know what to say.

You might get it wrong.

You may need to apologise, or clarify, or go away and learn something.

That’s part of being a thoughtful human being. Not a failure.

Clients don’t need you to be flawless. They need to feel that you’re trying. That you’re open. That you’re listening.

We’re more alike than we realise

Here’s the thing I’ve seen over and over again, in all kinds of families, with all kinds of births:

Most people want the same core things.

To feel safe.

To feel seen.

To feel like they matter.

These aren’t group-specific needs. They’re human needs.

By focusing on what connects us, without ignoring what makes us unique, we create deeper, more authentic connections.

We’re not dismissing identity.

We’re refusing to reduce someone to it.

How to doula without assumptions: a few simple reminders

1. Be aware of context, but stay open to the person. Knowing someone’s background might offer insight, but it doesn’t tell you everything. Let the client fill in the blanks.

2. Ask questions gently and respectfully. It’s OK to not know. It’s OK to ask. “Would you be happy to share more about that?” goes a long way.

3. Don’t be afraid of silence. You don’t have to fill every gap with solutions. Being quiet and present is often enough.

4. Check your own reactions. If you find yourself getting defensive, rushing to explain, or feeling uneasy, pause. It might be about you, not them. And that’s useful to notice.

5. Remember: your client is the expert on their life. They don’t need fixing. They need space to be themselves. Your job is to hold that space with care.

This isn’t about ignoring identity. It’s about making room for individuality

This blog isn’t about sweeping diversity under the rug. It’s about inviting doulas and anyone in a caring role to think deeper.

By all means, keep learning about different communities and cultures. But let’s not pretend that knowing one thing about someone’s background means we know how they want to be supported.

We don’t. So we ask. We listen. We respond.

That’s real support.

And when in doubt? Come back to presence.

Final thoughts: support the human, not the category

We’re not boxes. We’re messy, complex, changing, evolving human beings.

And if doulas are going to be of service in that space, we need to be ready to meet people as they are, not as we think they might be.

Let’s ditch the scripts. Let’s keep asking questions. Let’s stay grounded in the basics.

Because that’s what people remember. Not the words you got perfect, but the way you made them feel.